The Time I Farted in Fourth Grade

When I was in the fourth grade, the state assessment was called TAAS. (I think the acronym was Texas Assessment of Academic Skills, but don't quote me.)

I remember the teacher, Ms. Smith, telling us about this test, but only in passing, like, "Hey guys, tomorrow you'll be taking this test. It's called the TAAS. Don't worry about it, it should be easy but it will probably be long."

I didn't worry about it.

The next day, all our desks were spread apart and we had study carrels to cover our tests. Ms. Smith passed our tests out and she read the directions.

I thought that was weird...why was she reading directions to us from a booklet? And, why did I have to break my test open with a pencil? Who thought it was smart to seal a test and let a fourth grader open it? And why was there a separate answer document to bubble in? And, why did I have to bubble my name instead of just writing it?

State tests are crazy, you guys.

My nine year old self set to work. I don't remember it being hard, I just remember sitting behind that desk carrel, flipping to the end of the test to see how long it would take. I also remember playing a little game where I would look at a column of numbers and predict which letter would be chosen the most...a, b, c or d. At the end of the column I would tally the answer choices up to see if my prediction was correct.

State tests are so effective, you guys.

At one point during the test, I sneezed. That sneeze caused me to fart like a 40 year old trucker. I mean, that fart was an earth shaker. Rattled the walls. I was mortified; it was dead quiet in that room and I had just ripped the loudest fart known to man. I knew I was soon to be laughed out of the room.

State tests are so embarrassing, you guys.

Little snickers punctuated the quiet room but before anything could really get going...Mrs. Smith shushed them all down. In a stank, ghetto voiced teacher way. The way only teachers can do when they are bound by law to keep kids quiet. (I can SO relate.)

Since I was behind my study carrel, no one really cottoned on to who farted. At lunch that day there was a great debate and at one point, my name was thrown in the mix. I had the presence of mind to throw out best argument of all farting discussion,

"Oh yeah?? The one who smelt it DEALT it!"

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