Tuesday, May 1, 2012

The Definition of Orgasm

Basketball was my sport growing up. I loved to play it and started in middle school. Once high school hit, I was thrown into a world where upper classmen were more influential than my own mother

Consider this...

My freshman year in high school I was sitting in the bleachers with two of my fellow team mates, both upper classmen and both, in my 14 year old opinion, the height of cool. Oh, you guys are seniors and you want me to sit with you? Oh, sure, yeah.

We were waiting for volleyball practice to be over with and chatting. Well, they were chatting. I was hanging onto every word they said. Upper classmen! Sitting with me! Before practice!

The one sentence I managed to utter in front of the senior goddesses was that I had to pee. (I know, I know. It's a wonder they wanted to sit with me at all.) One of the seniors, let's call her Darah, told me I should try to hold it. The other girl, let's call her Beryl, had a knowing grin on her face.

I wanted to know why I needed to hold it. My mom had always told me it was no good to hold it. So, I asked why.

Darah responded, "Well, it makes the muscles around your bladder stronger and when those get stronger..." She began giggling and Beryl had to finish. "Your orgasms are better if you hold your pee because the muscles around your bladder get stronger."

I didn't want to appear uncool and ask what an orgasm was. I just assumed orgasm had something to do with basketball. I mean, these girls were serious athletes and I'm sure it was a drag to have to leave the game to go use the restroom in the middle of third quarter. Orgasm must have had to do with that.

We had a three hour practice and I didn't pee at all, even after frequent water breaks.

Fast forward to that evening. I'm sitting at the breakfast bar doing homework and my mom is in the kitchen making dinner. We are chatting and here is the conversation that ensued:

Me: Mom, you were so wrong to tell me not to hold my pee.

Mom: Oh, why?

Me: Well, because the longer you hold your pee, the better your orgasms are.

(Long silence. Mom appears to have a strange form of paralysis.)

Mom: And what do you think an orgasm is?

Me (in a condescending tone, since mom didn't play basketball she obviously didn't know anything): Okay, Mom. An orgasm is when you have to go to the bathroom in the middle of a game but you practice holding your pee so that way the muscles in your bladder are strong and you don't have to miss any part of the game to pee.

Mom (looking relieved):  Who told you this?

Me:  Beryl and Darah.

Mom:  Don't ever get in a car with them and please don't listen to what they say.

post signature


Christa aka The BabbyMama said...

Ahahaha, oh my gosh! At 14 I wouldn't have known much about that, either, but that is hilarious!

Marcy said...

Hilarious! At least you didn't embarrass yourself in front of the cool girls. I'm visiting from the Saturday Sharefest.

Tiffany said...

Stopping by from SITS.

The title of your post definitely caught my attention!!! Too funny! I love your description if your mom - "partial paralysis.".

Christine said...

OMG That is hilarious!! I love that your mom asked you what you thought an orgasm was before totally freaking out.

Anonymous said...

So, so, so funny! Your poor mother!

Visiting via SITS Sharefest :)

Dana Brown Ritter said...

Oh that is so cute, funny, and so innocent. Great story.

Aramelle {One Wheeler's World} said...

That is fantastic! Thanks for the great laugh.

(Visiting from Saturday Sharefest at SITS Girls)

bonnie-bonnbonnboutiqe.blogspot.com said...


visiting form sits today:)