So I have. I've enjoyed. I have held and have clung to moments. To stages of his life. I understand full and well that I won't get these days back and I hold onto them fiercely.
In that same vein, Toph is growing magnificently. He is so tall and so active. He is running, jumping and climbing. He's doing all the things that a boy his age should do and he's doing them well. I look at him and I burst with pride. Today I watched him climb on the oven and while I peeled him off, I silently cheered. Look at what you can do, my boy!
People were right. It's gone by fast. It's gone by in the blink of an eye. However, one of the little tidbits people neglected to tell me was the heart wrenching sadness you feel occasionally over the passage of this time. It'll hit me out of nowhere and I'll have to clutch my chest and exhale at the gravity of it all. My eyes will fill with tears as I replay all the little moments that brought us to now.
When these chest clutching moments occur, I can say without a doubt that they're born out of joy, but I don't feel happy while I'm experiencing them. I feel sad, almost despondent. It's as if the realization of how quickly Toph has grown hits me and for a fleeting moment, I can see just how big he actually will be one day. He's still a baby today. But tomorrow, he'll be grown.
While I don't miss the sleepless nights or the horrible ear infections, I do hope that I did everything I could during that time of our lives to make it better for Toph. I wonder if that's where the sadness comes from; a little gut check to ensure I am doing a good job.
It's a privilege; an honor to be this baby's mama. Even if he won't be little for very much longer, I will always, always be his mama. And he will always, always be my baby.