Saturday, May 28, 2011

One Thing You Neglected To Tell Me

When I was pregnant and during every stage of Toph's life thereafter, people have told me, "Oh, enjoy this. He's going to grow up so fast."

So I have. I've enjoyed. I have held and have clung to moments. To stages of his life. I understand full and well that I won't get these days back and I hold onto them fiercely.

In that same vein, Toph is growing magnificently. He is so tall and so active. He is running, jumping and climbing. He's doing all the things that a boy his age should do and he's doing them well. I look at him and I burst with pride. Today I watched him climb on the oven and while I peeled him off, I silently cheered. Look at what you can do, my boy!

People were right. It's gone by fast. It's gone by in the blink of an eye. However, one of the little tidbits people neglected to tell me was the heart wrenching sadness you feel occasionally over the passage of this time. It'll hit me out of nowhere and I'll have to clutch my chest and exhale at the gravity of it all. My eyes will fill with tears as I replay all the little moments that brought us to now.

When these chest clutching moments occur, I can say without a doubt that they're born out of joy, but I don't feel happy while I'm experiencing them. I feel sad, almost despondent. It's as if the realization of how quickly Toph has grown hits me and for a fleeting moment, I can see just how big he actually will be one day. He's still a baby today. But tomorrow, he'll be grown.

While I don't miss the sleepless nights or the horrible ear infections, I do hope that I did everything I could during that time of our lives to make it better for Toph. I wonder if that's where the sadness comes from; a little gut check to ensure I am doing a good job.

It's a privilege; an honor to be this baby's mama. Even if he won't be little for very much longer, I will always, always be his mama. And he will always, always be my baby.


Lauren said...

Oh, you have verbalized it so perfectly. It's almost dehabilitating to think of the time that has past with my son. They do grow up so quickly!

Donna U said...

You made me remember...My sons are grown. The youngest is 24, but there was a special night when he was about 13. I always stopped into my sons' rooms before I went to bed to say good night. He was awake and I said, "Good night Baby Boy. Oh, I know you are no longer my baby boy and I really must stop calling you that." And he said, "That's OK, Mom. I'll always be your baby boy." He touched my heart that night and I will always remember...

Ashley @ Little Miss Momma said...

Toph is growing so fast! That first picture melted my heart {and makes me want aan itty bitty baby again}. You are a beautiful Momma!
xoxo, ashley

Jamie said...

Having two daughters in their twenties, I can relate to what you've said..
There are so many levels of growing up you will experience with him and you will enjoy each and every stage.. ( although I can't speak for teen boys, I can tell you I'm allergic to teenage girls now * wink * )

Thanks for stopping in from Mama Kat's. I'm glad you enjoyed the pictures :-)

Kristina said...

Thank you for your lovely words at Always Springtime Flowers.


Valerie said...

Gin, first of all, I am in Love with your blog! It is truly one of my favorites. You have a wonderful way with words. This specific post really touched me. It is as if you were right inside of my head relaying the thoughts to paper. My son, Charlie is already 20 mos. and I am blessed enough to be able to stay home with him and enjoy each and every moment. Thank you for sharing your heart.