Saturday, March 19, 2011

A Letter for My Boy on His Birthday

Happy Birthday my sweet Toph!

My, my.  How this year has flown by.  You started it off with a surprise and have been surprising us ever since.  In all my life, I have never been able to remember a year with such clarity and vibrancy.  I remember being in that delivery room like it was yesterday; the lighting, the smell, surrounded by nurses, pushing so hard, scrunching my eyes closed and opening them at the very last second and watching you enter this world from my womb.  I remember your first diaper change and I remember your first night home and it was like they were yesterday and it was like they were 10 years ago.  I remember nursing, nursing, nursing and holding, holding, holding.  I remember when your daddy would come home I would feel like he was a giant because I had been in such close contact with a tiny person all day.

You see my boy, there's a thing called mommy brain and I have it.  What they tell you about mommy brain is that you forget things you normally wouldn't once you have a child.  That part is true; I forget to feed the cat and I forget to put on deodorant and I forget to buy key ingredients for dinner.  I forget to assign my students homework and I forget meetings.

I definitely have mommy brain, son.  What they don't tell you about mommy brain is that on the flip side, you remember EVERYTHING about your baby, in great detail.  
I remember when you lifted your head from the floor
and I remember you farting at the hospital 
and I remember your first smile 
and I remember your first tooth 
 and I remember your first ear infection.  
I remember your surgery and your x-ray 
and I remember how you peed on the photographer during your newborn photos.  
I remember the day you crawled, 
I remember the day you laughed in your sleep, 
I remember the day we moved you to your crib from the bassinet.  
I remember when you pooped on daddy and when you peed on him and no one thought that was funnier than me.  
I remember when you would let your Grammy walk you around for hours while you cried 
and I remember those afternoons marching around the house, singing La Cucaracha because that seemed to be the only song that would make you quit fussing.  
I remember nursing on the couch for hours on end and letting you sleep latched on to me because that was the only way you would nap a lot of days.  
I remember staying at home with you those first four months and it was glorious and rewarding and difficult. 
I remember sobbing the entire way to your first day of daycare 
and I remember the day I finally accepted that part of our life.
Toph, when it comes to you, I don't forget anything.  
I am a living Toph encyclopedia and I tend to stay that way.

You see son, I look at you and this year has flown and it also feels like forever.  
It's because I've known you forever, my son.  
You've been in my heart since the day I was born.  
Before I had you I always wondered why the Lord put me here on this earth; was it to be a daughter? 
A sister? 
A wife? 
A teacher?  
I know the answer is yes to all those questions, 
but now I know He put me on this earth to be your mama.  
Before I was born, the Lord knew I would have you one day.  
When I was a knobbly kneed five year old, the Lord knew I would be your mama one day.  
When I was a dreaming 18 year old, they Lord knew I would have you.  
When I was a smitten 20 year old dating your daddy, the Lord knew we would have you one day.

I look at you, and I mourn the passing of our first year together.  
It was a special, magical time and I will cherish every second of it. 
I will cherish the endless nights,
the wonderful milestones,
watching my husband turn into your daddy,
every spit out piece of food,
every challenge,
every triumph.  
I will never, ever forget them.

  This year our hearts and souls became forever entwined 
and we forged the foundation of a relationship that will continue to get stronger as the years go by.  
I look at you, and I see the past:
the newborn, the two month old, the six month old, the eleven month old.  
The magical thing about you though, is that I also see the future.  
The two year old, the ten year old., the sixteen year old, the twenty five year old.  
I get to be your mama for all of it.

My dear, precious, darling son.  
My treasure.  My prize.  
You make me want to be better all the time, 
because you are the physical representation of the best of me and your daddy.  
When the Lord was putting you together,
He took the best of us and made you.  
Every day I strive to honor Him by raising you well.  
It's not always easy 
(you are really talented at arching your back in protest) 
 but it's always worth it.

"I have watched you sleep.  I’ve kissed you a million times.  And I know something that you don’t, yet:
You are writing the story of your only {earthly} life every single minute of every day.
And my greatest hope for you, sweet child, is that I can teach you how to write a good one."

I love you more than I will ever, ever be able to express to you in words.  
You will never know just how much of a difference you have made in my world.

I love you.


Whitney said...

I responded to your comment left on the Long and Short of it, but in case you don't check back here it is:

"Gin, get rid of the Bjorn! They are HORRIBLE for baby hips (known to most babywearers as "crotch danglers" because of the way the baby is positioned)

And yes, the Baby Hawk will work for him! My daughter is 25 pounds and you can carry a child in a Baby Hawk COMFORTABLY up to around 35-40 pounds.

If the Baby Hawk is a bit too pricey you can check out other mei tais but the Baby Hawk is hands down the best. <--that's my beast in a Baby Hawk backwearing. <--front wearing. <--front wearing again."

fiona said...

Oh, what a lovely post! He is a darling little guy! Happy birthday, Topher!

(Also, I am an avid mei tei user -- they're great! Check out for more great babywearing info and a place to buy/sell used carriers... Good way to try different ones!)

gin said...

Thanks ladies! Will do!

Anonymous said...

Ginny, what a beautiful letter to Toph! It is wonderful to be a part if something so beautiful, isn't it? You and Matt have done a wonderful job.. here is to many more birthdays filled with love!

Lauren said...

OMG! I am in love with this blog and everything about you. Thank you for clicking over to me so I could be introduced to your awesomeness. Your letter to Topher was amazing and made me teary. BTW, I love the name Topher (and the name Lulu!). I am glad we are bloggy friends now :)

Sara said...

So wonderful. Your son will know without a doubt how much you loved him.

New follower. Would appreciate a follow back:

Handy Man, Crafty Woman said...

what a great post! so sweet!

Eve said...

Such a sweet letter to your baby boy!! I love that our little angels are just 5 days apart! Topher is such an awesome name too. I love that blogging has allowed me to meet such amazing ladies that actually have things in common with me. I don't have many friends with kids so I appreciate the mommy bloggers that much more.

By the way...I met my hubby when I was 20 too so that's another thing we have in common!

Eve said...

We also have that ducky tub!