Well, the sparrows outside our front door have really done it this time. Those little fools have built a nest above the fire alarm right outside our front door. They did this last year around this time when we first moved in and it made my life hard.
Let's just go back in time because I do need to preface this post with an explanation of my weird bird aversion. When I was 5, my family went through one of those drive through zoos. I don't know if you're familiar with them but those are the ones where you drive in your car while exotic animals roam about. Nothing of the carnivorous sort, just zebras, gazelles, camels and...ostriches. At one point, my whole family was looking out of one side of the car where some zebras were gathered. I was the only one not looking at the zebras because I had spotted an ostrich on the other side of the car. I was watching that ostrich walk closer and closer and closer until...bam! He pecks me right on the forehead. Broke the skin and everything. Scared the fool out of me. Scarred for life, the whole deal.
Fast forward to when I was six. My dad and I were at a neighboring ranch of my grandmother's. He was talking with some people and I was playing nearish to him. All of a sudden, a huge turkey comes out of nowhere and chases me. Little did I know, the turkey was a pet and just wanted to say hello. No freaking thank you, is what I said. Anyway, I ran screaming to my dad, all the while the turkey chasing me. My dad picked me up and even though he's 6'7, I didn't feel all that great about it. If I recall correctly, we left pretty soon thereafter.
Fast forward a few more years. I'm 14 years old, a freshman in high school. I think I'm so cool, eating lunch outside with my friends. We're talking, having a great time when...Splat! A bird poos on my leg. Am extremely embarrassed by the whole situation and vow to kill every bird on campus. In my head, anyway. On the outside I was trying to laugh it off with my friends.
You see why I don't like birds? Every time my girlfriends and I go to happy hour, we always sit on the patio. Who else is on the patio? Every bird on God's green earth, and they all want my chips. They swoop through and I really don't like it. But, the patio is nice and the drinks are cheap so we keep going.
Last year when we moved into our apartment (crapartment, I should say), the sparrows had their little nest built. For the first couple of hours, mama sparrow had flown away from the nest because we had scared her moving all the stuff up. Being the good mama she was though, she had to fly back eventually and check on her eggs, even though we were still moving our stuff in. Well, she must have gotten confused because before you knew it, she had flown inside our apartment. I couldn't have that. I just couldn't have it. My cousin, RDF, who was 11 at the time, had to be the one to go in and get it. I couldn't even go into the apartment to get the bird out. I sent him in like a little trooper. I hear all sorts of ruckus in there as he's trying to catch that bird. He's hooting and hollering and I'm hearing things slam but all the while I'm thanking Jesus that my 11 year old cousin is with me to save me from the birds. About five minutes later, he comes out in one piece, bird in hand. That bird is not happy either. She's pecking his hand and is really unhappy. I don't blame her, but what did she expect? I learned that day that my cousin is worth his weight in gold, doing that for me.
So, Senorita Sparrow is back. She's a swooper and just loves to swoop over my head when I open my front door in the morning to leave. Imagine this. When I leave the apartment in the morning to go to work, I first stick my arm out while holding my keys in my hand. I then shake my hand really hard so the keys make a lot of noise. If you were on the outside looking in you would see a disjointed arm shaking keys but nothing else. Then I peek around the door and by then mama sparrow is usually gone. However, I know she's close because she is always chirping her head off somewhere nearby, fussing at me. Listen bird, I'm not going to hurt your babies, but you will hurt me if you swoop me and I fall down the stairs. This is what I go through everyday.
However, come May 14, I won't have to deal with Mama Sparrow anymore. And I'm sorry if this hurts anyone's feelings, but the only appropriate place for a bird's nest in my opinion is a tree, so if a bird decides to build her nest on the eaves of my gorgeous new house, the nest is coming down. No, I won't be the one to do it, but I have a wonderful husband who has no problem taking a pole to a bird's nest.
I am so excited to close on the house and move! Sometimes when I'm bored, I get my cell phone out and just look at the pictures I have taken of the house. I just look and dream and plan with a big grin on my face. So, bring it on Mama Sparrow! I can put up with you for 22 more days.